(But Can Rarely Find)
By a woman who’s lived in co-housing for 10+ years, with housemates of multiple ages and genders. Here’s how to appeal to everyone, and not just your immediate peers.
1. Respect
Who you are as a person matters.
Be a person who respects others. What does that mean? Consider who they are as equally valid to who you are—they’re a human just like you, after all. So treat them how you’d like to be treated, then do one better and treat them how they want to be treated.
Talk to your housemates politely. Don’t assume intimacy. Don’t treat this person like your lover or family; they’re a stranger, who you treat with the politeness of your crush and the emotional distance of your coworkers. If you become friends, great—but the idea is that you remain housemates: safe to live with, easy to be around.
2. Hygiene & Modesty
Take care of your body. You know about nose blindness? It’s where your brain gets used to a smell and starts filtering out any perception of it. That happens to everyone; it’s why you don’t know “your own scent” but recognize someone else’s. There’s no shame in it. But try not to let it impact others who do not share your scent profile.
That means having good hygiene. Bathe or shower regularly, and brush your teeth. To keep your room smelling clean, wash your clothes once a week, and your bedsheets at least bi-monthly, bare minimum.
Also, not all of us were raised with the same ideas around the touchy subject of modesty, and many people have trauma around it in one way or another. Being a good housemate means wearing, at the very least, a robe—preferably a substantial one that isn’t see-through. Whether you are coming out of the bath or just walking around late at night in what would otherwise be your underwear.
3. Communication & Coexistence
Learn to get along with others and to communicate. By adulthood, most of us have learned the basics of this through interactions at school. Don’t actively choose to be argumentative. The house is a place of peace, ideally, and some sacrifices must be made to keep it that way.
If you live in a house of all women, don’t bring a man in without letting everyone know ahead of time. Men are different. They often live a more informal home life—this is partially humor, please forgive me—but the broader point stands: be considerate, communicate, and avoid making others uncomfortable.
Do whatever you can to avoid being sexist, racist, bigoted, or dismissive. You live with others now.
4. Emotional Responsibility
Remember: no other person is responsible for how you handle your emotions.
In an ideal family setting, you might hope for loving parents and siblings whom you freely share your feelings with, but your housemates are not that. That’s too much pressure to put on them. Please have an outlet for your emotions that is not your housemates’ ears, belongings, or shared space.
In many families it’s common to take negative emotions out on those around you, and being “in a home” might bring that out of you—but this is not appropriate behavior with housemates. Be humble. If you don’t yet know how to manage your day-to-day emotions independently, you may not be ready to leave your family environment.
5. Play, Guests, & Shared Space
It’s okay to play in a safe housemate situation. You can have a playful or light-hearted attitude—which is not being “so unserious” or childlike teasing that grates over time—but you can have a wry smile and a laugh now and then. Such an attitude will help you cope with things you find new or surprising. The privilege of cheaper rent comes from accepting, with grace (or a small smile), the idiosyncrasies of living with others.
Be considerate about guests. Don’t do anything loud or disruptive without informing or asking your housemates first, and ideally planning it ahead. Work out a schedule for days and times when guests are welcome—this will usually be weekends.
As for more adult-adult play, that’s a matter between you and your housemates, but at minimum respect the “sock on the door,” so to speak, and coordinate time alone when needed. If you share a room, remember you’re sharing someone else’s safe space to decompress. Do “it” elsewhere.
Dormmates aren’t housemates—they have rules imposed by the school usually—but many of these principles of behavior still apply.
6. Work-from-Home Etiquette
Don’t interrupt someone else’s work. Many people work from home now. Let them. Don’t start a project where you need to ask a housemate for something while they are working. Try to be quiet. We all have to pay the rent.
Avoid asking roommates for favors. If there are logical reasons to help one another, discuss them—but don’t pester your housemates, and especially not during work hours.
Also bear your work responsibility, and maintaining it, on your own. Housemates are not now coworkers by proximity. They are probably stressed about their own work ecosystem. They cannot take on yours, and it creates an awkward boundary precedent when rent comes due.
7. Cleanliness (The Big One)
Be clean.
This sounds obvious, and I have all compassion in the world for people with ADHD (and many YouTube recommendations if that’s you), but cleanliness is often the single biggest factor in roommate harmony and desirability.
Don’t let your mess leak past the boundary of your room. Clean up after yourself every single day.
Once a week, without being asked, do a small cleaning task for the household. Don’t repeat the same task every time, or it may become “your job,” but do something.
Additionally, bring home one communal item per month: paper towels, toilet paper, Ziplocs, tin foil, dish soap, plastic wrap, parchment paper. These are all ideal items that no one wants duplicates of cluttering the cupboard, so they often become communal and are appreciated.
Examples of small communal tasks you can do:
- Take out the trash
- Wipe down the bathroom with a clorox wipe
- Wipe kitchen counters
- Windex the mirrors
- Scrub down the kitchen sink
- Clean the stovetop
- Clear a few items from the dish-drying rack
These aren’t full chores, but they are small acts of consideration that, in addition to cleaning up after your own messes, make shared living smoother. Remember, this is how to be the housemate everyone wants to keep around. You need to go just a little above and beyond.
There will likely be some kind of cleaning arrangement you need to participate in within your house to really take care of things from time to time, like vacuuming. These are a lot to do and are daunting for any group of people. The way to beat this is simple. Just do it, or offer to help pay for a cleaning service.
8. Laundry
Do your own laundry. Wipe up spilled detergent or bleach. Try to do laundry when you’re home alone.
Do not run more than two loads per week without checking with housemates, because it raises utilities and limits others’ access to the laundry machines. Put your soap back in its designated spot, and always return the machines to working order—this means clearing the lint trap. Set a timer on your phone so you don’t forget your clothes.
Do not hang your delicates to dry anywhere in the living room, dining area, or other shared spaces where a random guest might stumble upon them. Keep it in the laundry room or behind the bathroom curtain.
9. Stewarding Property Well
An oft-overlooked aspect of living in a housemate situation, which will earn you points to consider, is leaving the home exactly how you found it, or better.
This assumes you have good rental karma and are lucky enough to live somewhere inviting, but do not ruin the investment of the property owner by vaping, smoking, burning incense, or excessive candle use in the home.
Cover wood furniture with a cloth or towel if you set something down on it, to avoid scratches. Try not to scratch, dent, or damage appliances—big or small. Close doors with polite quietness.
Do these things, and you will be an angel to live with and rent to.
10. Pets, Allergies, & Long-Term Co-Housing
If you want to be that ideal housemate, please do not have a pet.
Some homeowners and housemates legitimately have allergies and autoimmune disorders that a pet will affect.
The immune systems of those you live with (and whose property you’re using) need to be respected, just as your feelings do.
Bear with me. I know there is a prevalence of emotional support animals, and people do need support. But in a home where you can reasonably expect to be treated with the same level of consideration outlined in this article, might you be alright on your own?
As an issue of practicality, and being wanted back, just bring you.
11. Privacy
Respect privacy. Period.
If it’s not your room, don’t go in it. If it’s not your bag, don’t look inside. If someone is on a call and reasonably expects not to be overheard, go in another room.
12. Appropriateness & Boundaries
Remember again, a housemate is not a friend, family member, coworker, classmate, etc. They are sharing a space with you, and they deserve to have peace in that space. If a housemate expresses discomfort discussing a topic unrelated to your roommate relationship logistics, let it go. Don’t bring it back up. Perhaps apologize briefly and change the subject. That’s all.
A shared home is not the place for debates, boundary-pushing, or personal evangelizing. No one you live with is your project.
13. Spiritual Boundaries
Respect the spiritual beliefs of others. Do not evangelize. Do not force participation in rituals, actively or passively.
If you are part of a strong religious affiliation which requires those things of you, they most likely have communities of co-housing set up, and ideally that’s where you should live.
Likewise, do not practice witchcraft or spiritual work in shared spaces without the knowledge and consent of your housemates. Altering the spirit of a shared home without permission is not respectful.
14. Sleep & Noise
Sleep is important. The primary purpose of having a private room is to have a dedicated place to sleep. Do what you reasonably can to avoid disturbing anyone’s sleep. A very safe window of caution is 8:00 p.m. to 8:00 a.m.
Be mindful of sound. Most electronics, including TVs, use headphones now. Use them.
15. Partners
Your housemates likely have significant others, and you might too. Avoid bringing casual partners into shared spaces. If you have a regular partner, spend time in your room.
If you’re planning a shared-space activity like a movie night, tell your roommates first and be reasonable. A good rule of thumb is once or twice a week or month, depending on household tolerance.
16. Rent & Money
Pay your rent on time, in full, as promised.
Budget for this, and for your utilities. Be mindful of your utility usage so you stay within your budget. Ideally, you do not move in anywhere without your first, last, and one middle month’s rent monetarily covered in your bank account, plus that many months’ expenses.
Be good about your rental contract, and good rental karma will follow you.
17. Food
This is the number two biggest complaint I’ve ever heard, and here’s the long and short of it.
Don’t mess with anyone’s food. Don’t eat it if you didn’t buy it or make it.
That’s it. Do this one thing, and you’re better than 30% of roommates.
Closing
Remember: no one is required to live with you or let you stay in their home. While many advocate for universal housing, if that were the case, you’d still need to respect that property like it’s your own.
Now, a word of compassion to you. No one can be all these things all the time, so it’s okay to slip up on the little stuff now and then. That’s why it’s rare to find. It’s okay to be a human, and I hope we don’t all end up living with robots, alone, in some weird cyber-dystopia. Until then, if you live with others—by necessity or by choice—these guidelines will make you easier to live with long-term, and perhaps even welcome back. After all, we all tire of our housemates sometimes, but ideally, we miss them when they’re gone.